I feel like there is a great feeling of anticipation in the air. The world seems to be holding its breath, sucking in – waiting. It’s like we’re all hanging out for some big change, a big surprise, to wake in the morning and suddenly know or something, but if we took a moment to stop and take it all in we would see that things are already changing. There is a great movement, a shifting, as though everybody has made up their minds at once, but they just haven’t realised it yet. The sunflowers have bowed their heads in the heat and dropped their petals, defeated. The wind barely blows, as if it’s too tired to move. There is a heaviness that seems un-breakable.
This is a time of transition. A time when we are all growing and changing, slowly. The leaves will soon turn, our world will grow dark. It will be icy, windy city in the aftermath.
On different note, Esperanza Spalding is ahmazing. Seriously, check her out!
Everything is overwhelming. I feel trapped. I’m terrified of nothing and everything. I feel like I am constantly looking over my shoulder, afraid that somebody is there, watching and following. This paranoia is tearing my mind up, thought by thought. The dreams I’m having are gruesome and ridiculously realistic. I wake up feeling horrified and not able to remember why; and when I do remember I can’t forget. This constant struggle to make myself known to the world is making me weak – I just want a clean slate, a fresh start and new eyes to look upon the day.
So many people around me are taking their struggles out on their bodies in their own ways; this hurts me. Your body is temple. Close you’re eyes and ears to the expectations and judgements of society and truly listen to yourself. You will know when you are truly comfortable and happy within yourself – and how you physically look should not even be a factor. I know this pain. It’s is familiar to me, I have felt it myself, raw and ripping.
I think this is why I can’t stand to see others be taken by this monster.
It has been ages… And this is why:
I’m wading through this life, lost in the patterns and mazes of society. I can’t seem to find that one thing to make my heart sing with joy. What will I make of myself? I wonder at the future and struggle to see me there. I have the urge to plan everything at the hope of maybe finding some direction in carefully constructed ideas… But nothing sticks. I’m staring wide eyed, hoping to catch a glimpse of a sign pointing me the right way.
My mind is numb. I yearn for the busy bustle of a typical life. These shoes are too big, they keep falling off. No amount of gladrap could prevent my days from going stale. It’s a long road and I can’t quite see the end, I can’t tell if it’s a winding road, a straight road or if there’s any road at all. The temptation to run is overwhelming, but I resist in order to break this familiar pattern of failure. It’s like the universe is laughing at me. It’s pointing it’s finger and laughing out loud at how ridiculously frustrated I am. And yes, you win Most Thought About for this year. I can’t believe it’s been a year. It’s as though you’ve died, but even worse because you haven’t, in some sick and twisted way. To think that you’re alive and choosing not to be my friend… I’ve never coped well with rejection.
There are many new beginnings just around the corner, it’s just that it’s a really big corner and I’m sick of turning it. I guess I’ve got to learn how to love turning corners, how to hang my head out the window and scream YEAH as I press relentlessly on the accelerator, hoping that I don’t spin out of control and tumble down the cliff of the unknown.
I think I should cut my hair. This is ridiculous, I know, but its like old thoughts and emotions hide in our hair; maybe you just associate certain styles/ cuts with different times or events in your life. My hair is a wild bush of frizz and knots, 24/7. Its an untameable mess. It reminds me of crazy nights, camping and hippyness. I haven’t cut it for over three years. I’m at a point in my life where I want to break free and explore new things and maybe in order do so I need to cut my hair? Maybe as a way of reinventing myself. It would change the way others perceive me – first impressions count! But… I’ll miss it, I’ll regret it! I’ll yearn for my long locks and I’ll curse myself for ever cutting it and thinking it would be awesome. What to do, what to do.
World be warned! There may be a shiny new Minxy Winx roaming around!
x Minxy Winx